What the Narsissist really means when she sez

 Narcissistic Mother-English Dictionary

http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/narcissistic-mother-dictionary.html

This is the result of a bit of fun we had on our forum. But it's all very real under the humor. It's all classic gaslighting and invalidation.

WHAT SHE SAYS	WHAT IT MEANS
I love you.	I want to manipulate you. You're showing signs of breaking away and I want to suck you back in. I've heard people say this and it seems to get a good reaction. I command you to love me.
Don't ever feel like you HAVE to come see me for my birthday	If you don't make the 650 mile pilgrimage to celebrate me, I promise I will do something to make you pay dearly.
Go do something constructive.	Be gone, I have no interest in my own children.
You were an "accident".	You are only here because homicide would get me jail time, and I thought you'd be a better slave, so I didn't opt for adoption.
You go have yourself a good cry!	I resent your emotions, but at least I can use them to hurt you.
I never said that!	Damned if I'm going to admit it. Yes I said that but it doesn't work in the conversation right now. I know I said it but it’s so much fun to f*** with your head until you don’t know what is true and you think you really are crazy! Yeah me!!!
It's been a long time since I talked to you and just called to see how you were doing.	I am running low on my Narcissistic Supply and need another fix.
I have no idea what you're talking about!	Damned if I'm going to admit to it.
You just aren't remembering correctly.	My version of events shows me in a better light, so that's the official one.
You never do anything for me!	I know you've done a lot for me in the past, but that was then and it no longer counts. What have you done for me today?
It's time this stops.	None of my ploys have worked to pull you back so now I will treat you like a child.
I miss you.	I miss having control over you. I'm lacking my Narcissistic Supply - please provide it pronto.
Who have you been talking to, in therapy with, what book did you read, etc, etc, etc....	I'm not getting the usual emotional response from you and you are too dim-witted to have figured out how to shut me down on your own.
Your brother and sister-in-law took us out to dinner last night. We had such a nice time - I don't think we have ever been treated that well.	You had better step up your game and show some appreciation for all I've done for you.
I'm so proud of you.	You have made me feel good and/or *I* feel good because of you. I can take credit for that accomplishment.
Why are you wasting your time on something so silly and that takes you away from your family?	Why are you wasting your time on something so silly and that takes you away from me?
Your father and I think ...	I think ...
So how are you?	I'd better ask, but don't worry I won't really be listening. Or as soon as you say a trigger word, which reminds me of something else, I'll interrupt and be off again! I'm running out of things to boast to my friends about, so please come up with some accomplishments.
I'm so sorry your beloved 14-year old dog died.	Sigh ... I'd better at least mention it and then I can talk about myself again.
It's so sad!	It's so exciting! I love being this close to tragedies! The drama!
I'm sorry.	I will say the words but never change my behavior. I'll say anything to shut you up, but don't worry, I don't mean it.
I'm thinking of you.	I will continue to ignore your boundaries.
Let’s just let go of the past.	Let’s pretend everything is ok and I’m not a nightmare of a mother so I can continue to torture you and get my Narcissistic Supply.
Your sister-in-law is such a great cook! Simply amazing!	I want to take away any pleasure or pride you have in your own cooking skills.
I just want you to love me.	All I really want is for you give me my Narcissistic Supply.
What’s wrong with you today? What is your problem?	I’m pissed that you are denying me my much needed Narcissistic Supply. Damn you!
I was only trying to help!	I demand the freedom to interfere in your life any time I want. That is my right!
What happened to the nice girl I once knew?	Why are you no longer the easily manipulated and uncomplaining-of-abuse girl I raised you to be?
After all I’ve done for you! You’ve never appreciated me!” wah wah wah	I have violated your boundaries most of your life and I resent the hell out of your standing your ground and refusing to allow me to interfere, manipulate and control you.
Why are you treating me so badly? What have I done wrong?	I have the right to interfere in your life and abuse you without any consequences.
Because I’m the Mama!	You are really just a child, after all. I’ll never acknowledge that you are now an adult.
I want to give you this or that because I love you.	It’s really because you will then be beholden to me and this gives me great leverage to milk you for Narcissistic Supply.
I want to help you with your kids.	I plan to interfere in the upbringing of your children by spoiling them, disciplining them differently to your way, and ignoring your decisions and wishes regarding them. I will not acknowledge your position and rights as the mother of these children.
You were very difficult to raise. You were always my problem child.	You resisted my attempts to violate your boundaries, abuse you and humiliate you.
I never want to be a burden to you.	I will over-run your life and suck the life force from you and your children.
Have you lost some weight?	I am so glad that I brought that sticky bun with me on this visit.
You take me the wrong way.	I will invalidate your feelings as I have done your whole life.
You're such a good cook.	You got that from me!
You're such a good mother.	You got that from me!
You don't respect me!	You won't let me abuse you!
I have to walk on eggshells around you. You're over-sensitive.	You won't take my abuse uncomplainingly.
You won't forgive me!	You won't allow me to trample all over you even though I have expressed no repentance and will continue to act exactly as I always have.
You need more time to think about it. Well have a think about it and get back to me.	I am not accepting your decision/opinion.
I was just joking even if I did say and do that, which I didn't.	I did say/do it, and I did mean it, but damned if I'm going to acknowledge that.
You just won't admit when you're wrong.	You defended yourself from my lies!
Medical emergency	Broken finger nail
Disaster	Phone bill arrives
Major Disaster	Visitor cancelled

More damn rules

I have the right

This was sent to Peggy recently and I've extracted some of the things that struck me. Credit goes to "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers". To whom I give thanks.

I have published in this blog "House Rules" which I modify anytime an event happens that makes me think of it or someone reminds me of good rules they learned the hard way.

Nobody is allowed to just drop around to my house without phoning first. 

Nobody is allowed to let themselves into my house. 

Once in my house, nobody is allowed to root in the cupboards. 

Nobody is allowed to comment adversely on my weight/appearance/state of my house. 

I have the right to say, "I'll think about it and get back to you," rather than being pressured into things. 

I have the right to change my mind. 

I have the right to say 'No' without further explanation. 

I have the right not to answer the phone if it does not suit me. 

I have the right to refuse to answer personal questions. 

I have the right to put limits on visits: "You may call between 2.00 and 4.00".

House Rules

Every house/home needs a basic set of rules for those that live there or visit. Use to be that those were established in the bring up, but sometimes it wern't. Then again, sometimes a little reminder is good to review.

• Visitors, inlaws and outlaws are welcome to this farm --- Just call first.
• Don't send your friends or relatives to look at our house without prior coordination. We are not an unadvertised attraction, don't give tours to passers by's...Its just our home.
• If you talk to a telemarketer, don't refer him/her/or it to us. We are on the state and national No Call List cause we don't want to talk to them.
• Don't send your Forrester out here ever.
• Do take a shower before 7pm as we go to bed early and don't like to be disturbed just because thats the way you do at your house.
• Do keep the TVs low after 8pm. This is a home, not a theater.
• The bed I sleep in may be the same one you spent long nighttime hours discussing things girls talk about when they are growing up. You are grown and I want to go to sleep. Get over it.
• The 4-wheeler is parked in a particular place for a reason. If you can't put it back where you got it from, you deserve to be told to move it back. Get your feeling on a stem if you want to. I'm OK with that.
• The "CAMP" is no longer the playhouse of yesteryear. Someone lives there.
• The recliner is pretty much "MY" seat. Please use the others when I'm home.
• Charlies dead
• We are not a bank & we don't lend money either.
• If you bring your next potential husband out here to see what U are gonna get someday, it may not work out.
• Don't haul one of the TV's in the main house to the Bunk House. If you break it, you bought it. If we wanted it there, we would have put it there.
• We live in the country, snakes live in the country...sometimes we meet.
• And that oldie but a goodie,
  
  In polite company its best not to talk about Religion, Politics, Sex and Money.
  

Traits of a Milignant Narcissist that apply

Of the 20 (twenty) traits of a Malignant Narcissist, here is a pull-set that applies to this family.

1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, bluffs or threats when questioned. Her memory is self serving as she denies past statements. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment.
Defense Strategy: Verify her words. Do not reveal anything about yourself - she'll use it against you. Head for the door when things don't add up. Don't ask her questions - you'll only be inviting more lies.

Example: In progress

 2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol are meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker. Enjoys orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim.
Defense Strategy: Expect her to disregard any agreement. Have Plan B in place. Protect yourself financially and emotionally.

Example: Trade the land and trees, then try and sell the trees to keep your gigglo.


 7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people's money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.
Defense Strategy: Know the 'nature of the beast'. Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don't bail him out.

Example: If you don't own the property, you can't give it away to the numb nuts thats trying to get it. Come on John........

 17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruelest blow of all. We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to him become objectified and expendable.
Defense Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive trained professionals.

Example:

 11. THE SADIST is now the fully unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He'll be back for more. His pleasure is in getting away with taking other people's assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerable.
Defense Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality. Make a "No Contact' rule. Avoid him altogether. End any avenue of vulnerability. Don't allow thoughts of his past 'good guy' image to lessen the reality of his disorder. 

Isolate the problem, distance yourself with each passing day. Know your enemy as well as yourself. Show no empathy or sympathy. sad, it is.