Our Christmas Letter
You and I have received many of these letters over the
years. It begins, as ours will, by wishing you a very merry Christmas and happy
new year. Then.... as Ours Will, will tell you how perfect our family is.
Now to begin. As we mentioned last year at this time, we
told you of the blessing of winning the 52 state mega lottery for the fifth
time. Well, it's even better. The megga lotto commission has decided to name
the Megga Lotto in our honor. The Magnolia Pond Farm grandest of all time,
megga lotto. We were thrilled and it gave us a sense of belonging to the
special brotherhood of lotto winners. We would all be winners even if we
weren't so rich. But it don't hurt, Ha Ha...
Well on to this year. Our uncle Billeau was finally
recognized as the true person that discovered the atom. He will be getting the
Nobel prize, although belated. We knew he was brilliant but it seems many
thought him slightly odd or perhaps mildly crazy for trying to shoot all those
little things we could not see. With the award, he can finally do his lifelong
desire of opening a candy business in the piney woods of Louisiana. He has
decided to buyout Brock and Hershey. This will probably operate out of his
brothers bar (which is an authentic reproduction of Billy Carters service
station in Plains GA). They are considering calling it Hershey Bar...but that has not been firmed
up yet. Now to the immediate family going on's. It was another fantastic year
with absolutely no negative thoughts and next to no rain. How we keep going
year after year is probably a science course in itself. Someone at Harvard or
Yell will probably be coming by any day now. I have made some notes so it will
go so much faster. I do want a little credit line though, don't you think?
Here on the farm, things have been glanderous. We expect the
oil well will peak again this year and the bidding for its output surpass the
records set last year. We have been assured that the fact that it goes under
all the neighbors land is only a distasteful thing to some people. Not us you
understand. We're just grand. I believe
the latest spill will biodegrade itself over time and we can wait. HaHa.
Now the family. Our son, Seymour, was elected CEO of the
company he joined when he was just 15 years old. My what a year makes. He can
now get his driver's license if he will just quit flying around the world so
often. I don't think they should give him that big a plane considering the oil
shortage and how it looks to other people. Not us, you understand...The little
people, bless their hearts.
You will perhaps remember Lucinda, she's the third or forth
daughter by my 5th marriage to what's her name. Well, she's pregnant again. My
wife, what's her name, has been trying to get her to stand up more often in
hopes that that will help. You will be surprised at her dexterity with a coat
hanger. Course, she had practice enough. We just don't need another mouth to
feed now that the pigglets have grown so much.
Grandpa Will died, you know. I think I sent out a note to
all his kin about 3 months ago. We just could not wait for Jethro to get here
as he was in training for the Mars Lander mission. He just never ceases to
amaze me. After that awful jail thing, he has really bloomed. Put it behind him
and considers it a learning experience. Just don't have time to tell you all
the things his room mate Guido taught him. Well, Grandpa Will always wanted to
go in a unique way and well he did. You remember he had such a fascination for
unusual tools, knives and firearms. He had perhaps the finest collection of
Zulu handicraft tools that the Smithsonian had ever examined. The hand carved
bone heart valve insertion clip was perhaps the only one still in existence. It
had been mentioned in the dead sea scrolls that got lost. Had it not been for
the camel trainer Julius, it would not have been remembered at all and what a
loss that would be to the fledgling world. I need to get back to how Grandpa
Will died before I run out of ink. Granpa liked to climb as you know. He
climb'd grandma enough to get use to the ropes and metal clips. He had climbed
the mountain behind the house and was sippin on a cherry coke (what we get from
the still but don't call it that). He had purchased a rare handgun from an
overseas dealer in ancient firearms. It finally arrived and was indeed unique.
A 46 caliber, rare even to this day. It was said to be jinxed and had a history
of the owners dying shortly after becoming owners. Granpa Will was not easily spooked
as you remember from the ghost in the barn some years ago. That damn cat shoulda never got under that
sheet in the first place. By the way, we got another cat, no sheet. Anyway, he
was inspecting the new acquisition and didn't remember it was loaded, I guess.
Well we heard the boom. And it was indeed a boom verses a hiss or a pop. Yes
definitely a boom. Could have been a cracking boom.... We still have a picture of the advertisement
he bought it from somewhere. Made in
PO-land. Somewhere up North I think close to Shreveport.
I doubt we pass it on to the family as I think they don't
like the looks somehow. Perhaps its the fact that 46 caliber is hard to find.
Don't matter the reason I guess. Something looks wrong about the trigger to me.
I think I tole you about my sister Lisa? Wern't no big deal,
they say it could have happened to anyone up a tree like that. I don't want to
repeat myself but it was more sticks than stones. We buried her near the family
plot. Waters been over it for about a year so we decided not to wait. And its
good we didn't. Had an open casket when we shouldn't have. Everybody stood
sniffin the cherry coke put there as a going away gift.
I forgot to mention my 3rd son, by my 4th marriage to
"whats her name". He finally began to show signs of having the family
hero blood in his veins. He lives in a double wide not 10 miles from here. His
neighbors are all envious as they only have singles and a double is just not
heard of in our area. Ten miles from here is just not that high class as this
area. We are very lucky or rather just made such good decisions in our lives.
Its in the blood I guess. Course its not your everyday doublewide as you might
imagine. Got its own goat door in the back. Dogs can use it too, but it was
made for Man Mountain Goat and has made all the papers here bouts. Custom fit,
you know. Well, Boudreaux... you know thats what we call him cause his name got
smeared on the birth certificate and we can't read it, so we just call him
Boudreaux and let it go at that. Boudreaux has almost completed his education
and in record time for this family, which is a record for the neighborhood. His
second son spoke at the graduation and it was going good till someone called a
break to change the diapers on the other students. I hear ma calling me to go
to bed. I think the sun is setting and I must get my rest.
I hope this year has been as productive for you as it has
for us. We really miss some of ya'll and wish we wus better shots. See you next
year lest I get a good bead on ya.
Sam and Peggy
At the Farm
